Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
