Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
