i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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