I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
