I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
