If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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