I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
