we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
