I wish they made helmets for livers.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Even my vagina gasped.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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