i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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