Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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