Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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