Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
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I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
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You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.