I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT