my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home