I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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