i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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