xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
