Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
