i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
