if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
