facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
