yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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