Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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