his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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