Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Don't make out with my wife yet
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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