how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
