In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
