fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Someone signed my nipple.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
