i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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