I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
