Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
