i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
