you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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