He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
