I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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