oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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