It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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