the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
