You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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