I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
