we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
