I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
