Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
