I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
