im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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