My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
