I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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