I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my mouth tastes like poor choices
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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