He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
