sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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