$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
