He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
