I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
