dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
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sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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