dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
