i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
