my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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